50 Reasons I Love New Jersey

01. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM.

02. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t.

03. You’re usually only three persons removed from knowing a Mafia guy. More after the break...



04. We have the beautiful Jersey Shore. (And the bad tipping Québécois that go with it.)

05. We have Princeton. Not too shabby. Einstein didn’t seem to mind living in Jersey either.

06. The light bulb, the phonograph and motion pictures were invented here. I’m pretty sure the first porn flick was made here too.

07. Jersey Babes.  If you need to ask why, you’ll never understand.

08. Our governor doesn’t give a shit what you think of him. He doesn’t even give a shit what we think of him!

09. We’ve take wearing leather to an art form. Black leather blazer with green leather pants? Rock on.

10. I enjoy feeling like a shark when I see Zip cars with New York tags on the Turnpike. Blood in the water!

11. Cheese fries. Cheese fries with gravy.

12. I love always being ten minutes from a mall – until it’s Christmas.

13. Gasoline pumped by friendly attendants. How civilized. Only Oregon has a similar sense of class.

14. I can give snobby New Yorkers faulty directions and send them into Newark.

15. Jersey’s a movable olfactory feast.

16. We have the highest property taxes and auto insurance rates. We’re number one! We’re number one!

17. The Statue of Liberty is ours; we just don’t want to make the support payments.

18. We have two New York pro football teams.

19. It’s easy to get Newark Airport. JFK? Fuggedaboutit.

20. Our State Troopers wear scary uniforms modeled after the German Army! Not that Smokey the Bear shit.

21. We all know where Jimmy Hoffa’s buried. We just ain’t telling.

22. We have the second largest waterfall on the East Coast  – in Paterson of all places.

23. One of the first commercial television networks (DuMont) began broadcasting out of Passaic. So, in a weird way, Snooki and the Situation is our fault.

24. We have to love Bruce Springsteen under penalty of death.

25. We have the most guys named Tony. We have the most girls named Tina.

26. We were invaded by Mars.

27. We took down a Nazi dirigible. Yes, that was us.

28. We have the biggest state Napoleon complex in America. Probably because his brother lived here.

29. We had the Lindbergh baby thing long before OJ Simpson was born.

30. George Washington slept just about everywhere here. Guy got around.

31. Samuel Colt made the first revolver here. You feeling lucky, punk?

32. The modern submarine was developed here. And I don’t mean that sandwich deluded out-of-staters insist on calling  a hoagie, grinder or a hero.

33. New Jersey was corrupt before Chicago was a name on a map.

34. The Army tests secret weapons here. Probably because of that Martian thing.

35. A shitload of Nobel Prizes were earned in Jersey. (Princeton has 35 alone) See! We’re smart.

36. We have more municipalities than California and are way cooler.

37. If Manhattanites are suddenly faced with a zombie outbreak, we have plans to blow up those bridges and tunnels they love to make fun of.

38. Batman lives in New Jersey.

39. We are the country’s third largest cranberry producer. Dead mafia guys make great fertilizer.

40. We used to have the Miss America pageant until some jerk took it from us. When we find that guy Tony Soprano will fuck him up real good.

41. We have more vintage IROC-Z cars than any state in America. (You have to be from Bloomfield to get that reference)

42. Frank Sinatra was from Hoboken. He hated the place, sure, but he’s still ours.

43. Watching tourists trying to drive though one of our traffic circles. We should sell tickets.

44. Our sweet corn is the shit.

45. A significant percentage of our male population gets their eyebrows threaded.

46. Sacred Heart Cathedral in Newark is bigger than St. Patrick’s. So there!

47. The first dinosaur bones were found here – next to the bodies of Tony “Cannoli” Zamboni and Frank “The Fink” Careltti.

48. If you want to get rid of your car, leave it in Newark for five minutes.

49. Jersey is musically stuck in the Eighties. Bon Jovi! Bon Jovi!

50. Valium was invented in NJ. You’ll need it on the Turnpike.